Wills

The following is the best will ever written. Unfortunately, it is not a real will. It was written for an episode of what, to me, is indisputably the best TV series ever.

(I am posting this in light of the news that the late Leona Helmsley, left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund. Why is this suddenly interesting, you ask? Well, succession does these things to you.)

In that episode, Where There's a Will, There's a War, Hawkeye goes to help at an aid station, and under heavy shelling he draws up a will, leaving various items to his friends at the 4077th.

“I, Benjamin Franklin Pierce, being of sound mind and endangered body, hereby decree this to be my Last Will and Testament. I bequeath to my father all my worldly possessions with the exception of the following: To Charles Emerson Winchester, though we may have wounded your pride, you never lost your dignity. I therefore bequeath to you the most dignified thing I own — my bathrobe. Purple is the color of royalty. To Father Francis Mulcahy, I leave five cents. You are a man of God, and I know worldly possessions mean little to you, Father. So I leave you a nickel along with something I value more highly than anything I own — my everlasting respect. To you, Margaret Houlihan, I leave my treasured Groucho nose and glasses. Perhaps they’ll remind you of how much I enjoyed that silly side you show all too infrequently. To Sherman Potter, who’s a lot like my dad, I leave The Last of the Mohicans, my dad’s favorite book. I’d like you to have the copy he gave me. To Maxwell Q Klinger, I leave the shirt off my back. Not just any shirt, but my beloved Hawaiian shirt. To Erin Hunnicutt, I leave you a list of all the young men your daddy took care of while he was in Korea. Many of them have him to thank for being alive today. I want you to understand why he has to be away from you those first years of your life. I hope I have the chance to give you this list in person. But around here, you never know.”